The Redneck Home Security System

By Duncan Cottrell
Building on our intrusion-prevention experience in the unique milieu of the Deep South, The Entry Enforcer is proud to introduce our foolproof, patented, copyrighted, and plagiarized anti-burglary technique, fine-tuned for this locality. We call it The Redneck Home Security System.

1. Get an old pair of men’s size 14 work boots from Freecycle or Value Village
2. Sit ‘em on your front porch beside a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine.
3. Put some big, messy dog bowls next to the boots.
4. Tack a note to your door that says, “Me and Bubba and Bertha and Duke have gone for more ammo and beer. Be right back. Don’t mess with the pit bulls; they got to the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. Anyway, I locked all four of ’em in the house.  Better wait outside.  – Cooter”